shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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