I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
