he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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