Soap is not a condiment
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize