i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Randomize
