i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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