i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
