they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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