can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize