those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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