Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
