If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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