Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
