youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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