You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Four minutes until I can fart!
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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