4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
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