My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
