I accidentally burped into my bong.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
