my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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