Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
