Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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