I have demons in me.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
