You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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