i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Randomize
