There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
