Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I want to have your abortion
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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