I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
