i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
