Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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