You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
