I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize