"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
