and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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