she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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