Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize