Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
