Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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