I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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