I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize