So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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