Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Randomize
