So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
