you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize