it hurts more in the daytime
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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