Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
