So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
