I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
