why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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