I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
