We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
