He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
